Wednesday, January 23, 2008

The Coolest Hangout

I hate public bathrooms. They are cold, cramped places with one-ply toilet paper and germs that only lye and bleach can hold at bay. They have stalls with walls and doors that are never long enough, and the floors are tile.

This is the thing I hate the most of all. Tile flooring. Or, linoleum. Either way any establishment chooses to go with the flooring, it is never going to work for me because these two are amplifiers. Don't get me wrong--I understand why they choose this flooring instead of carpet, I just really wish they had padded walls. Or padded stall doors. Or installed sound-proof linoleum/tile. There needs to be something in bathrooms to absorb the sounds of women releiving themselves.

I cannot stand it. At all.

Neither can I stand seeing people in the bathroom. Sure, for some reason beyond my grasp of knowledge, the bathroom has become a socail hangout for women over the decades. The gentler sex go in there to talk and powder their nose and ... chill. Like I said, I have no idea why. The sound of urination has never been so sweet? It baffles me.


I do not like people to know that I am in the bathroom, going to the bathroom, or coming out of the bathroom. Therefore, I can spend at least half an hour in the bathroom waiting for the coast to be clear. What that means is any time someone comes in, I wait for her to leave. I want to have the bathroom to myself when I creep out of that tiny cubicle of germs and wash my hands simply because I believe no one needs to know that I just used the bathroom.

It is easier to pretend like I am fixing my makeup, my hair, my clothes, or even brushing my teeth if a lady walks into the bathroom while I am washing my hands. It is the worst when I am stuck between the open stall door and the faucet and someone walks in because I cannot pretend like I was doing something other than what would involve a toilet, which is mortifying to have revealed.

Perhaps what I hate most about public bathrooms is the feeling I get when I leave. I get the impression that there is someone outside who watches the bathroom doors and knows how long I have been in there, ruining my "I was checking my hair" alabi. Or, I will run into someone I know and they will deduce that I have just used the bathroom.

The reason it is embarassing to me is the status of public bathrooms. It's like saying, "Yes, I could not control my body long enough to run back to my dorm and use the bathroom privately. Now, you must know what I have just done."

For example, I had to use the bathroom the other night when my class went for a break and when I finally made it out, I walked past a guy from the class. Before I say anything else, I have an awkward relationship with this guy as it is. By that, I mean that I have no idea if he even wants to be my friend because he randomly talks to me and randomly ignores me. Either way, I saw him as I was walking back to class and I cringed, knowing he saw me come out of the bathroom.

"That is the wierdest face I have ever seen!" he exclaimed to me.
"Well...I'm sorry! I don't like to see people when I walk out of the bathroom. It's wierd!"

Then he crossed the hallway and stood by me.

"I know! I was just on the phone with my friend and I couldn't help some of my language and I looked up and Dr. Beals was standing right there! It's so awkward!"

Yeah. Just as awkward as our conversations.

When I have a house, I am installing soundproof walls in my bathroom. Then I will no longer have to worry about the noise or fear the Bathroom Echo.