Being Thick

There is a term some people are not aware of called BBW. It stands for Big, Beautiful Women. I am a BBW, though not by choice. Which is a stupid thing to say anyway because I can choose to not be big.

My dilemma is this: motivation comes and goes. Usually I am a very goal-oriented person. I procrastinate like none other, but all my endeavors have paid off...so far. But I cannot procrastinate with my weight. Not only does that seem like a no-brainer, but it's a concept I struggle with.

Any time I begin to work out, even for a week or two in a row, I can see the difference. Sure, it's probably psychological, but I still like to think I am improving. It probably wouldn't take a lot of effort for me to drop to a size 14 within the next month. I don't understand why I don't do it.

Just do it. Get my ass in the gym and work out. These are my excuses:

1. My trainer hasn't called me back so I don't want to waste time exercising when I could have a routine that will optimize my time.

2. I want to get a swimsuit and go swimming in the morning but I need to wait until I get my paycheck and for a store (i.e. Target) to get an XL black swimsuit.

3. My iPod is broken so I can't tune people out now when I work out.

Don't worry...I have refutes to my own excuses:

1. What the hell...that doesn't even make sense. You work out to start getting in shape. How can you optimize your time when you don't do anything? Do you have any idea how long you've been fat for and you can't spare an hour right now to go work out? Get into a workout routine that can be improved by your trainer. A little is better than none.

2. This is a lame excuse. I know you want to swim in the morning...but honestly, would you really get up at 5 and go swim hard-core for an hour? Because you have that issue with your hair where you don't want it to get damaged by the chlorine.

3. Borrow someone else's. Or just cope without the music. I'm sure someone will let you borrow an iPod. This is not a big deal. Quit being lame.


It isn't that I am hugely obese. I just don't want to put any effort into losing weight. Instead of saving five bucks to go toward a bathing suit (which, by the way, are ridiculously expensive right now!!), I went to Henry's and got a fasting tea to help suppress my appetite. It's a good thing, I guess, since I tend to not eat in moderation and I don't exactly eat healthy things all the time.

I think the bottom line is that I need to stop making excuses and just get over myself. I need to keep myself accountable and make sure that I do the right thing for myself. If I don't care, why would anyone else?

The Coolest Hangout

I hate public bathrooms. They are cold, cramped places with one-ply toilet paper and germs that only lye and bleach can hold at bay. They have stalls with walls and doors that are never long enough, and the floors are tile.

This is the thing I hate the most of all. Tile flooring. Or, linoleum. Either way any establishment chooses to go with the flooring, it is never going to work for me because these two are amplifiers. Don't get me wrong--I understand why they choose this flooring instead of carpet, I just really wish they had padded walls. Or padded stall doors. Or installed sound-proof linoleum/tile. There needs to be something in bathrooms to absorb the sounds of women releiving themselves.

I cannot stand it. At all.

Neither can I stand seeing people in the bathroom. Sure, for some reason beyond my grasp of knowledge, the bathroom has become a socail hangout for women over the decades. The gentler sex go in there to talk and powder their nose and ... chill. Like I said, I have no idea why. The sound of urination has never been so sweet? It baffles me.

Women: PLEASE STOP USING THE BATHROOM AS A SOCIAL HANGOUT.

I do not like people to know that I am in the bathroom, going to the bathroom, or coming out of the bathroom. Therefore, I can spend at least half an hour in the bathroom waiting for the coast to be clear. What that means is any time someone comes in, I wait for her to leave. I want to have the bathroom to myself when I creep out of that tiny cubicle of germs and wash my hands simply because I believe no one needs to know that I just used the bathroom.

It is easier to pretend like I am fixing my makeup, my hair, my clothes, or even brushing my teeth if a lady walks into the bathroom while I am washing my hands. It is the worst when I am stuck between the open stall door and the faucet and someone walks in because I cannot pretend like I was doing something other than what would involve a toilet, which is mortifying to have revealed.

Perhaps what I hate most about public bathrooms is the feeling I get when I leave. I get the impression that there is someone outside who watches the bathroom doors and knows how long I have been in there, ruining my "I was checking my hair" alabi. Or, I will run into someone I know and they will deduce that I have just used the bathroom.

The reason it is embarassing to me is the status of public bathrooms. It's like saying, "Yes, I could not control my body long enough to run back to my dorm and use the bathroom privately. Now, you must know what I have just done."

For example, I had to use the bathroom the other night when my class went for a break and when I finally made it out, I walked past a guy from the class. Before I say anything else, I have an awkward relationship with this guy as it is. By that, I mean that I have no idea if he even wants to be my friend because he randomly talks to me and randomly ignores me. Either way, I saw him as I was walking back to class and I cringed, knowing he saw me come out of the bathroom.

"That is the wierdest face I have ever seen!" he exclaimed to me.
"Well...I'm sorry! I don't like to see people when I walk out of the bathroom. It's wierd!"

Then he crossed the hallway and stood by me.

"I know! I was just on the phone with my friend and I couldn't help some of my language and I looked up and Dr. Beals was standing right there! It's so awkward!"

Yeah. Just as awkward as our conversations.

When I have a house, I am installing soundproof walls in my bathroom. Then I will no longer have to worry about the noise or fear the Bathroom Echo.

Hooked on Phonics

I am a sucker for articulate people. There is nothing better in my world than a person who can write a well-written sentence that is artfully and grammatically mastered to portray a message in a clear and concise way. Believe me, it is a big thing to ask because in my line of work, I see so many things the reflect the opposite of this.

I am also a sucker for great song lyrics. Right now, I'm listening to Fergie's "The Dutchess" album and I started to think about the lyrics. Honestly, I don't think they are half bad. Whether or not the album reflects her personal life and the turmoil it contains is another topic altogether, but I think Fergie has some profound things going on in her music.

A lot of people I talk to think Fergie is obnoxious or good for dancing, but they hate her voice, sound, etc. I'm not a fan of the way a lot of her singing seems to come from her nasal cavity, but I do appreciate the depths of her lyrics. For example, "Losing my Ground". Ok, how about, for the sake of argument, we use that song "Glamorous"?

Regardless how you feel about Fergie, I think this song is really good. Sure, there are a lot of things in her song that make absolutely no sense (i.e. "flouncy, flouncy") but I appreciate her giving hope to people who are struggling and trying to accomplish their dreams.

If nothing else, maybe parents can appreciate the fact that with their children listening to songs like this one, they are at least learning how to properly spell "g-l-a-m-o-r-o-u-s".

"Glamorous"
(feat. Ludacris)

If you ain't got no money take your broke ass home
You say: If you ain't got no money take your broke ass home
G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S, yeah G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S

[B-Section:]
We flying the first class
Up in the sky
Poppin' champagne
Livin' the life
In the fast lane
And I wont change
By the Glamorous, oh the flossy flossy

[chorus:]
The glamorous,
The glamorous, glamorous (the glamorous life)
By the Glamorous, oh the flossy flossy

[Verse:]
Wear them gold and diamonds rings
All them things don't mean a thing
Chaperons and limousines
Shopping for expensive things
I be on the movie screens
Magazines and bougie scenes
I'm not clean, I'm not pristine
I'm no queen, I'm no machine
I still go to Taco Bell
Drive through, raw as hell
I don't care, I'm still real
No matter how many records I sell
After the show or after the Grammies
I like to go cool out with the family
Sippin', reminiscing on days when I had a Mustang
And now I'm in...

[B-section then chorus]

[Ludacris:]
I'm talking Champagne wishes, caviar dreams
You deserve nothing but all the finer things
Now this whole world has no clue what to do with us
I've got enough money in the bank for the two of us
Plus I gotta keep enough lettuce
To support your shoe fetish
Lifestyles so rich and famous
Robin Leach will get jealous
Half a million for the stones
Taking trips from here to Rome
So If you ain't got no money take your broke ass home
G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S, yeah G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S

[B-section + chorus x2]

[Verse:]
I got problems up to here
I've got people in my ear
Telling me these crazy things
That I don't want to know (fuck y'all)
I've got money in the bank
And I'd really like to thank
All the fans, I'd like to thank
Thank you really though
Cause I remember yesterday
When I dreamt about the days
When I'd rock on MTV, that be really dope
Damn, It's been a long road
And the industry is cold
I'm glad my daddy told me so, he let his daughter know. [x3]

"Amoje" is gangsta short for "Amore"

I have this friend who is very much like me--a sarcastic, witty, BBW. The only thing is that sometimes she is sarcastic and mixes an ounce of truth in her statements. For example, if she said to you, "I think bunnies are the most amazing creatiures to eat even though they are not very cute." At the end of the week, she would tell you that she is sad no one has bought her a bunny.

There was a sort of mix-up like this a while ago, and I have been fighting my way out of incredibly awkward situations between myself and the guy she likes. This is difficult since I am already awkward around guys! Can you see my predicament here? Awkward girl trying to make an awkward situation not awkward. That does not work.

However, I still want to make my friend happy. What would make her happy? A boyfriend.

Naturally, I am inclined to believe that I deserve a boyfriend more than anyone else I know...but I would never admit this because it just sounds desperate. So recently, my friend mentioned wanting a boyfriend and I asked if she wanted me to try setting them up on a date. Pretty much a very out-on-a-limb kind of thing to do, right? Because how much more awkward would that be, approacing this guy like, "So I know I sent you an email saying she wasn't interested in you as anything but a friend, but that is the thing I lied about saying she doesn't gush over you every day. Truth is, she is enamored with you and I want you to take her out on a date for Christmas."

I wish people could be mind readers when it comes to relationships...but that would mean the few guys I have been interested in would know it.