I can't believe I missed making a post for April!!
That is not what I came on to write about though. I have recently applied for an internship and I am torn between wanting it to my capacity of wanting things and sabotaging my chances of getting it so that I can do other, equally important things. I know God knows best, so I am letting Him deal with it.
The issue I have is that I am exactly 50% sure I do not want this opportunity because then I won't have to stay in school an extra semester because I would be able to take summer classes, working two jobs to make tons of money, live with people I know and love, and exercise. Then I am 50% sure that I do want this internship so that I can learn everything I can about advertising and promotions but then I worry about paying rent, not doing any summer school, and being away from home for two-ish months. That last one is sort of the least of my worries, but then I also hope that I have deny the internship due to housing issues so I can blame my dad for stealing my chances of having it instead of feeling totally fine about it.
Enough of that.
I really dislike my friend right now. I am pissed off at her and I always plan to tell her so many things about how unhappy I am with her, but when I am around her, I am just glad to finally hang out with her that I don't want to ruin it by discussing issues with her that could either destroy or build our friendship up more. I am upset at her for never calling me because I feel like that reflects how she feels about me. I understand that our schedules conflict, but I call her 100% more than she calls me. I call at least three times a week and I always get the voicemail. So, I leave a message. She calls me back two weeks later and gives me a list of excuses why she didn't call me.
I had been planning for three weeks to tell her, "You know, I don't care the reasons why you don't call; I just care that you don't." Last week, I finally said that. She said, "Awww...Steph!"
I was not looking to touch her heart. I was looking for something to say to influence her to call me more because without interaction, I cannot be a person's friend. By her not calling me, I do not feel she values our relationship or me as a human being.
Another thing I wish I could tell her is how much I dislike her "fella." I think he is immature, not ready for what she needs, and fake. I don't care how many times she tells me that "he acts differently around me. You just don't know him like I do" because I think that a person's quality is evident no matter what or who is surrounding the person. When I watch them together, I think he loves her, but not compared to how she loves him. He can't even hold a candle to how much she loves and adores him.
Her whole world revolves around him, which I feel is another problem with their relationship. When I watch them together, she bends her life to his will and whim while he doesn't seem to give a hoot about how she feels or what she does. She is always prompt to meet him, waits for him to get home from work, and waits on him hand and foot while he works at Starbucks and goes to school to get a degree in business (probably the stupidest degree ever) so that he can be a manager in a company that has a high turnover rate. Not only is his only aspiration to be a manager in a company he hates, but she went to a store and was offered an assistant managing position with no degree at all. This is just one example of how different their work ethic is, which is a big deal considering who she is and how she feels about people who don't work hard.
She far outshines him not only in her ability to work at the kind of level it takes to move up in a company, but he doesn't seem to appreciate her. From all I have seen, the only way he expresses his love to her is to work on her house (yes, she even has a house). She is thrilled by this, but I don't think she understands that her house is an object. Working on her house is not the same as loving her the way she needs to be loved. I mean, at the end of the day, a house is a house, and it doesn't make her feel any better about herself. She needs a man who tells her constantly how beautiful she is, stands up for her to his and her family, and compliments her heart.
Since she has begun to date this guy, she has plummeted in how she takes care of herself. It's that whole "equal yoke" thing but in this way, it is the looks department and if you don't think looks are important, then stop reading now. Sure, they are not the sole reason to love someone, but they sure as hell depict to the rest of the world how you feel about yourself. Before she dated him, she would primp herself, accessorize, put on makeup, and just doll herself up because it made herself feel good and she liked to do it. Since she began dating that frumpy, unmotivated bum she has turned into a frumpy lady who hates it. She tells me things like "I don't feel good about myself" and "I just don't have time to take care of myself the way I used to!"
Perhaps leading your own life the way the guy you are so attached does would enable you to take care of yourself the way you used to, since he doesn't seem to care enough about you to make it easy for you to maintain the lifestyle you used to have! And that is how I feel. He lives his own life because he knows she can and will provide for him and he floats around life depending on her.
It is a twisted relationship and I am sick of it. I want someone for her who will let her relax, build up her self-esteem, and give her freedom to do what she wants while he provides a life for her, the way it should be. The reason I say all of this is because I see this happening the way it happened with my brother.
My friend is paying off debt like none other, working two jobs to pay her mortgage and new car payment, which is fine because she bought it all and she needs to pay her bills. But he is doing nothing to help. If he wanted to help, he would get a second job even if he is in school. My mom works three jobs and goes to school, so I don't see why he can't do the same. At the very least, he could get a degree in something that will actually make him money, or to get a career that is easy to advance in. A Business degree is like having a pen because it is easy to get and it just means you are capable of leading people in one direction. I know this because I used to be a Business major. It is so pointless.
Anyway, about my brother--he paid the bills and everything while his girlfriend went to culinary arts school (oh my gosh, another pointless degree, like business!) and their agreement was that they would switch spots while he went to film school. Three years later, she is working in a buffet, they have a kid, and filming is a hobby he sometimes exercises by filming his daughter.
Maybe I am disillusioned from reading romance books when I think that people are quite capable of fulfilling their dreams, but I do not care. I am fulfilling mine, so that entitles me to believe it.
I want to tell her to get her head out of her fella's ass and live her own life. I want her to be happy with herself without him because he doesn't build up her self-esteem. I want her to admit to me that this whole phase in her life where she is dissatisfied with everything is just a phase that she is over. I want her to love herself because she is lovable, not because someone periodically tells her she is loved. I want her to see my point of view and not make excuses for everything I see and just respect my point of view because I cannot help expressing my observances. I want her to consider what I have to say and think about it and see if I have any good points and act on them. I want her to quit waiting around for her guy to become the man she needs because I don't think he cares to do that anytime soon.