Monday, February 9, 2009

Black is Slimming on Slim People

I'm sorry.

It's back.

Weight: 214.8

I have bought into a lot of shit about my weight. My mom is big as well, and we have been overweight my whole life. She would tell me that if I could see my toes when I looked down, I was fine. That as long as my boobs were bigger than my stomach, I was good.

I can't even say that I look pregnant because pregnant people have the nice, smooth belly. I was talking to my mom this weekend about why we're fat and she said that she has just recently thought of herself as fat. I told her that we needed to let go of our misconceptions about the power of our fat.

We both had the impression that we were being ourselves. We thought that we were proving a point--that fat girls can be loved, too--that being fat, we would be able to find the man God has for us because he wouldn't be a shallow jackass like my father was (is).

I told her we weren't proving a point to anyone. We aren't doing anything good for ourselves by staying fat because it's unhealthy, and it's not as if we are happy at our dimensions.

I've decided that it's stupid to think that God will bring me a man who will not care about my weight. I've decided this a while ago, but I'm documenting it. How can I want a man who isn't shallow when I don't want to talk to people who look like they've never heard of shampoo before? And how can I want a man who doesn't want an attractive woman?

I want to be an attractive woman not because that's what the media tells me, but because I believe that what we look like reflects the way we feel about ourselves. Granted, it's expensive and I have no money, but I can still try to look better.

I want to look at myself in the mirror and see this change into something better:


Emil said...

you are awesome....i really proud of you

ConglomerateBeauty said...


You are also awesome! Thanks for keeping track :)